Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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