He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
