I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
pray to the hookup gods
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