I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
