Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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