Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
