Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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