I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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