you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
