Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
