How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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