He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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