i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
