Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
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