dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
honey bunches of taint.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
