You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
