On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
