im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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