I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
