So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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