Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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