she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
