Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Randomize
