we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
