Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
