Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
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