girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
