I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
