Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
