I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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