dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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