She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
