theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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