If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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