I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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