I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You need Xanax blowdarts
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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