my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
