There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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