She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
