somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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