White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
