WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
