I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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