why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
