in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
