My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
