you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
