Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
