Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
