He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
